I suffer from depression. I have for longer than I can remember. It seems like it started about the time I had my eldest son. I really have had to fight it since then. Sometimes its better than others, but it seems like nothing I (and the pharmaceutical companies) do, it remains.
Where does post partum depression end and clinical depression begin? From all that I've read, at about a year post baby. So when did I go from PPD to depression? I can't answer that either.
Does this mean that I don't trust God enough? Does it mean that I don't have enough faith? Does it mean that I am not doing the right things? I don't think so. I know that most depression is a result of a biochemical reaction in the brain. Much like diabetes is a biochemical problem with the pancreas. I know that hormone fluctuations can play a big part in how we feel. Even knowing all of this, I still somehow feel that I am a failure or that its my fault. I did something to deserve this. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I am in this situation or that I have to take medication for it.
One thing I do know is that I am a child of God and that I am made in His image. I also know that He promises to not give us more than we can handle. I have learned that I have to let go and give God control. There is very little I can control, with exception to my own choices. I cannot worry enough to keep my kids safe, or my husband and I from splitting. If anything, worry causes sin. Worry causes us to think we know more than God. I would also go further to say it is a form of conceit. To quote C.S. Lewis, "If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed". So I guess that in all transparency, I am definitely conceited.
So the question is...how much can I handle? I may never know, but evidently as long as God is in control of my life, I can handle anything. I am also finding that if I think more about Him and the people around me, I have a lot less time to think about how I feel or how I think things should be.
I know there is a balance between medication and faith. Add to that a willingness to let go, I can live with this quite productively.
2 comments:
Honey, since I too suffer from clinical depression and now, as I have discovered, anxiety disorder, just keep taking the pretty pills they tell you too. I know it helps to talk about it and you know I am only a phone call or email away.
Ange
Hey hun - enjoying your blog... but I don't enjoy that you feel depressed. Take deep breaths and keep pushing on, then do it again. God's hand is cradling you. Prayers. Love you :) Leigh
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