Saturday, October 25, 2008

Depression...Post Partum and Otherwise

I suffer from depression. I have for longer than I can remember. It seems like it started about the time I had my eldest son. I really have had to fight it since then. Sometimes its better than others, but it seems like nothing I (and the pharmaceutical companies) do, it remains.

Where does post partum depression end and clinical depression begin? From all that I've read, at about a year post baby. So when did I go from PPD to depression? I can't answer that either.

Does this mean that I don't trust God enough? Does it mean that I don't have enough faith? Does it mean that I am not doing the right things? I don't think so. I know that most depression is a result of a biochemical reaction in the brain. Much like diabetes is a biochemical problem with the pancreas. I know that hormone fluctuations can play a big part in how we feel. Even knowing all of this, I still somehow feel that I am a failure or that its my fault. I did something to deserve this. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I am in this situation or that I have to take medication for it.

One thing I do know is that I am a child of God and that I am made in His image. I also know that He promises to not give us more than we can handle. I have learned that I have to let go and give God control. There is very little I can control, with exception to my own choices. I cannot worry enough to keep my kids safe, or my husband and I from splitting. If anything, worry causes sin. Worry causes us to think we know more than God. I would also go further to say it is a form of conceit. To quote C.S. Lewis, "If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed". So I guess that in all transparency, I am definitely conceited.

So the question much can I handle? I may never know, but evidently as long as God is in control of my life, I can handle anything. I am also finding that if I think more about Him and the people around me, I have a lot less time to think about how I feel or how I think things should be.

I know there is a balance between medication and faith. Add to that a willingness to let go, I can live with this quite productively.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I love my family

I sooo love my family! My mom and sister Terri rock. They totally put up with me and I am not always as nice as I could be. I have health issues that make it hard to work full time. Somedays I can't even manage to do anything but go to work and then to bed. Still they love me and encourage me to keep going. Then there is my brother and sister in law. We have so much fun together. He sends me funny emails everyday that make me smile. She and I act completely silly when we are together. I am so grateful to God for repairing our relationship. MY brother, sister in law, and myself did not speak for the better part of 10 years. God was able to bring us together again and I am so very blessed to have them in my life. They have the cutest kids ever. I spend every weds afternoon with my nephew. We have all kinds of fun. going to the library, or the park. maybe get an ice cream cone. Then theres my other sister and her family. Unfortunately they live in another state( and state of mind). She and Terri and my s-i-l, as well as myself and Mom, always find some kind of trouble to get into. The kids always give us lively entertainment.

I haven't even talked about my kiddoes. The "brothers" are the best. I miss them so much. They live in MO with their Dad. The reasons are important and I know they are where they need to be right now. It doesn't make it easy for any of us, but who knows what the future will bring and if the boys are stable and want to live here in IN with me, we will make those changes when the time is right.

I have a huge extended family. My mom was one of nine and my dad was one of seven. I really am not sure how many cousins, and second cousins I have. I am close to most of my aunts and uncles on my moms side and several on my dads. I see many of my moms side at church and we all visit alot. I talk to several on my dads side on a regular basis, but don't get to see them as often as I'd like.

One thing is for sure, you can always count on family. For a hug or a smile. For prayers and wisdom. even fior a meal now and then;-)

Thank you Lord for my family. Please bless them and keep them.