Better Late Than Never

I may or may not be a little bit late posting my One Word 365 for 2013.

By five months and twenty days...to be exact.

And to be honest i really have no reasonable excuse, although i do have some really valid explanations. On December 16, 2012, the world as i know it came to a screeching halt. My husband of 21 years informed me that he wanted a divorce. Two days later he told me there was someone else, then he proceeded to move in with her.

To be brutally honest, i was not shocked that he wanted out of the marriage. We had been separated for nearly four years and had been able to be reconciled, yet i knew over the past four to five months things were not as they should be. I could feel the apathy and lack of intimacy in general.

I was totally unprepared for the announcement that he was seeing someone else. That piece of information was devastating, and completely unexpected.

Initially i was so angry that i blamed him for the entire break up. Everything was his fault.

"If he hadn't been having a relationship with her, then we would still be together."

Right?

Wrong!

Which is what brings me to my one word 365...SUBMIT...my role in the destruction of our marriage and many other relationships is my inability (or refusal) to submit. I have always been a bit on the rebellious or defiant side or the spectrum. These are just a few of my favorite fighting words;

"You are not my father!"

"Who are you to tell me what to do?"

"I can do whatever i want to!"

"Why do i have to respect your boundaries when you don't consider mine?"

What i forgot all about was that the relationship was not just about me, or my feelings. When we enter into a marriage or a relationship, friendship or whatever the case may be, we are supposed to submit to one another in love.

       "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their    husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:24

     "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:21

Admittedly, being unable or unwilling to submit is one of my biggest struggles. It is also the biggest thing that God is dealing with me on at this point in my life. I recently destroyed a very good friendship, one that had the potential of becoming more, because i could not honor his boundaries. I could not honor them because they reminded me too much of my husband, which in turn reminded me too much of my father, which is another story altogether. 

I am not okay with this.

I am broken by the loss of this friendship.

So it is out of love and respect for this friendship that i vow to work even harder to figure out and learn how to submit to the ones i love.

Not because it is a form of punishment.

Or it means that i am less than them.

But because it shows them they are more.

Tenth Avenue North - Losing (NEW RADIO version with LYRICS!)

God is speaking these words into my heart today. What is He speaking into yours?

Choosing Joy,
Pamela

Where One Word 365 and People of The Second Chance Collide

It is so hard to believe this year is already more than half over.

The days have flown by like a leaf on the wind.
Gone, but not forgotten.

I have been thinking about my One Word 365 choice for 2012 a lot lately. Even more so today following our conversation last night on the People of the Second Chance live chat on twitter.

The questions asked by @potsc have really coincided with how I am listening to God and He has been speaking to me.

 POTSC ‏@POTSC

Have you ever been betrayed? #potsclive

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POTSC ‏@POTSC

How did/do you cope with betrayal? pain? fear? #potsclive

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For me, I cope with most things by listening to music. Ironically, that's usually when I hear God speaking to me the loudest. 

One of His largest megaphones for me is Matthew West. There is some connection between his lyrics and my heart experiences, that God has used to get me through some really tough times. He is truly using his talent as an instrument of God. 

Most memorably, one Wednesday evening after volunteering with our teen youth group, I was driving home and listening to a MW compilation CD (gotta love itunes) when the song "All the Broken Pieces" came on. 

It had been such a wretched day. 

At that point, Shawn and I had been separated for about 2 1/2 years. He had not let me see the boys in nearly a year. 

I was missing them terribly.

I was wrecked when I heard this song.

I cried out in prayer..."God, is this a message?"

"Are you telling me everything is going to be okay?"

I kept hitting the back button and playing the song over and over again. 

When I finally let the next song play, (keep in mind it was on random play AND a compilation CD)  the song that followed was

"MORE"

"Just a face in the city

Just a tear on a crowded street

But you are one in a million

And you belong to Me

And I want you to know

That I'm not letting go

Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun

And the stars that I taught how to shine

You are mine, and you shine for me too

I love you yesterday and today

And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again

I love you more

I love you more" 

Okay. So I may not be a rocket scientist, but i'm pretty sure that was a sweet word from my God. 

And I don't know about you, but I'm gonna keep on listening for more.

How are you hearing from God? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Choosing Joy,

Pamela

ps... Please check out Matthew's new song "Forgiveness", available on itunes July 10, 2012, its speaking volumes to me right now.

pss... I am building my confidence to share my story at www.potsc.com so prayers would be greatly appreciated. :) P

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Listen Up

A few thoughts on One Word 365 and my word choice: LISTEN


I saw this quote on twitter the other day: @SoleHope "Well done is better than well said" Benjamin Franklin


I really heard that. 


I am not sure when it started. This insatiable need to prove that I am as smart, or as good, or as likable as other people. I realize that is my own insecurity. Its these insecurities that get me into trouble every time. Its when I am nervous or feel less than, like I need to fit in, that I say stupid things. 


So, my lesson today has been: a little less talk and a lot more action.


What are you learning on your journey today?


Choosing Joy,
Pamela

Nothing to Say

The past 12 months have been crazy. 

To say the least. 

This time last year, I decided to join my friend Alece in her One Word 2011 Challenge. I thought about and prayed about what one word God had for me in 2011. 

(We) came up with CHANGE. 

I had no idea what I was in for. 

I started college (again) at age 42, jumped through so many hoops trying to get our son, Joseph, the assistance he needs to function well and integrate with society. He has autism. Graduated our oldest son, Allen-Michael, from high school and into college life & responsibilities. I had shoulder surgery. Shawn had a cardiac event that led to him having surgery to remove a HUGE blood clot from the radial artery in his arm. all the while maintaining a 4.0 GPA, and as president of MASO and secretary of our Student Ambassadors.

You may be thinking: Wow, what a braggart! Overachiever! Why are you telling us this??? 

Well, here's why. I was feeling really pretty good about myself, as you might imagine.  All the way until the beginning of November when I attended the Women of Faith conference. I really felt like God was speaking to me that weekend. So many great speakers with so much wisdom to share.

I was so convicted by Patsy Clairmont and her words on talking too much.(ouch) 

Not letting other people shine. (guilty as charged) 

The problem is that I didn't listen. (and i should have)

As many of you know, I am just finishing my program as a Medical Assistant. Part of that program is to participate in a student externship at the site of a working lab or physicians office. I was placed at a physicians office. I thought things were going great. Then I received a phone call from our externship coordinator. 

I was FIRED from the site.

For making an unnecessary (albeit true) comment. 

I was devastated. But my instructors were working with me because of my past history, grades, citizenship and so on, so they placed me at a new site. I loved it. It was at a medical group with a lab. I was able to get experience in all kinds of areas. I thought to myself, "things are finally going great".

Then I got the phone call. Once again I was being fired from my site for an unnecessary comment. This time there was to be no finishing the externship. I flunked the class and will have to retake it.

I am humbled. 

In hindsight, I can see the importance of this discipline, right now, in this moment. I can also see how this could have been avoided if I had just LISTENED to Patsy.(God-using little ol' Patsy)

So, my OneWord365 is LISTEN. 

Merriam Webster defines the word listen as: to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration. Synonyms include: attend, hark, hearken, hear, heed, mind.

These are all great words to help me focus, and use on a daily basis. 

I am praying that 2012 will continue to bring change and show me ways to listen with my Fathers ears and heart. 

"Wise men store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin." Proverbs 10:14

Choosing Joy,

Pamela