Better Late Than Never

I may or may not be a little bit late posting my One Word 365 for 2013.

By five months and twenty days...to be exact.

And to be honest i really have no reasonable excuse, although i do have some really valid explanations. On December 16, 2012, the world as i know it came to a screeching halt. My husband of 21 years informed me that he wanted a divorce. Two days later he told me there was someone else, then he proceeded to move in with her.

To be brutally honest, i was not shocked that he wanted out of the marriage. We had been separated for nearly four years and had been able to be reconciled, yet i knew over the past four to five months things were not as they should be. I could feel the apathy and lack of intimacy in general.

I was totally unprepared for the announcement that he was seeing someone else. That piece of information was devastating, and completely unexpected.

Initially i was so angry that i blamed him for the entire break up. Everything was his fault.

"If he hadn't been having a relationship with her, then we would still be together."

Right?

Wrong!

Which is what brings me to my one word 365...SUBMIT...my role in the destruction of our marriage and many other relationships is my inability (or refusal) to submit. I have always been a bit on the rebellious or defiant side or the spectrum. These are just a few of my favorite fighting words;

"You are not my father!"

"Who are you to tell me what to do?"

"I can do whatever i want to!"

"Why do i have to respect your boundaries when you don't consider mine?"

What i forgot all about was that the relationship was not just about me, or my feelings. When we enter into a marriage or a relationship, friendship or whatever the case may be, we are supposed to submit to one another in love.

       "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their    husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:24

     "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:21

Admittedly, being unable or unwilling to submit is one of my biggest struggles. It is also the biggest thing that God is dealing with me on at this point in my life. I recently destroyed a very good friendship, one that had the potential of becoming more, because i could not honor his boundaries. I could not honor them because they reminded me too much of my husband, which in turn reminded me too much of my father, which is another story altogether. 

I am not okay with this.

I am broken by the loss of this friendship.

So it is out of love and respect for this friendship that i vow to work even harder to figure out and learn how to submit to the ones i love.

Not because it is a form of punishment.

Or it means that i am less than them.

But because it shows them they are more.

Nothing to Say

The past 12 months have been crazy. 

To say the least. 

This time last year, I decided to join my friend Alece in her One Word 2011 Challenge. I thought about and prayed about what one word God had for me in 2011. 

(We) came up with CHANGE. 

I had no idea what I was in for. 

I started college (again) at age 42, jumped through so many hoops trying to get our son, Joseph, the assistance he needs to function well and integrate with society. He has autism. Graduated our oldest son, Allen-Michael, from high school and into college life & responsibilities. I had shoulder surgery. Shawn had a cardiac event that led to him having surgery to remove a HUGE blood clot from the radial artery in his arm. all the while maintaining a 4.0 GPA, and as president of MASO and secretary of our Student Ambassadors.

You may be thinking: Wow, what a braggart! Overachiever! Why are you telling us this??? 

Well, here's why. I was feeling really pretty good about myself, as you might imagine.  All the way until the beginning of November when I attended the Women of Faith conference. I really felt like God was speaking to me that weekend. So many great speakers with so much wisdom to share.

I was so convicted by Patsy Clairmont and her words on talking too much.(ouch) 

Not letting other people shine. (guilty as charged) 

The problem is that I didn't listen. (and i should have)

As many of you know, I am just finishing my program as a Medical Assistant. Part of that program is to participate in a student externship at the site of a working lab or physicians office. I was placed at a physicians office. I thought things were going great. Then I received a phone call from our externship coordinator. 

I was FIRED from the site.

For making an unnecessary (albeit true) comment. 

I was devastated. But my instructors were working with me because of my past history, grades, citizenship and so on, so they placed me at a new site. I loved it. It was at a medical group with a lab. I was able to get experience in all kinds of areas. I thought to myself, "things are finally going great".

Then I got the phone call. Once again I was being fired from my site for an unnecessary comment. This time there was to be no finishing the externship. I flunked the class and will have to retake it.

I am humbled. 

In hindsight, I can see the importance of this discipline, right now, in this moment. I can also see how this could have been avoided if I had just LISTENED to Patsy.(God-using little ol' Patsy)

So, my OneWord365 is LISTEN. 

Merriam Webster defines the word listen as: to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration. Synonyms include: attend, hark, hearken, hear, heed, mind.

These are all great words to help me focus, and use on a daily basis. 

I am praying that 2012 will continue to bring change and show me ways to listen with my Fathers ears and heart. 

"Wise men store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin." Proverbs 10:14

Choosing Joy,

Pamela

One Word 2011 (Part II)

Back in January i decided to participate in my friend Alece's challenge to find ONE WORD in 2011 that could define a goal for myself. Something i wanted to do differently or apply to my life to make a positive impact on the world around me.

Below is an update on how that has been going for me.

The word i chose was CHANGE.

Boy oh Boy...and change was what i was in for. i had no idea how i was to be stretched and challenged in the next several months that would follow.

i had no idea that i would have to completely change my way of thinking in order to adapt to being a college student again at age 43.

i never would have thought i would have to change every thing i thought i knew about parenting because my youngest son has Bipolar disorder, ASD/Aspergers syndrome, physically attacked me and tried to commit suicide.

i was not prepared for the news that my high school and home town were devastated and changed forever.  That so many of my friends would lose their homes, jobs, and we would all lose loved ones.

i also would not have had to change my reliance on my Heavenly Father.

My daddy.

The one who has carried me when i could not walk through this craziness on my own. The one who, despite all of my attempts to change the outcome of this mess i call life, loves me anyway.

So i'm going to keep on working on change. i think it is going to be just fine.